I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
