i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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