how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
