Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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