You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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