Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
