Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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