This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
