I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
