woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize