It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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