my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
