She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
