I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
