the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
