The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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