The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
