I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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