I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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