my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
