god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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