My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
and she was petting her beer can
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
