I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
