just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
