she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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