I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
God, I missed his penis.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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