Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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