Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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