He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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