a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
