someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
