Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
