just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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