How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
