i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
