she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Two words: nipple clamps
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