Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
