haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
