Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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