It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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