matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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