I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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