I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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