would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Every concussion has its silver lining
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
