she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
