i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
