Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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