please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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