if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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