so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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