i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
