If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
