mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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