I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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