I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
