Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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