Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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