Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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