So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
zippers are such a cool invention
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
