he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
