Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
