Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
