At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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