have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
