I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
