I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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