my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
