is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
