i don't like sucking hair
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
