Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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